The College Fix

Welcome to college – the marketplace of ideas, open expression, and robust debate, where you will be challenged and inspired!

Now, many of you are racist and don’t even know it. Mostly the ones out there with white skin. People of color are always the victims. So, watch what you say. Really, be very very careful about every word you use. Don’t do anything that might hurt anyone’s feelings (unless they’re Jews or Christians or Republicans or conservative, then it’s OK). Don’t say anything that will make anyone feel the slightest bit uncomfortable.

Ok, off you go now. Have fun and learn something. But mostly about how this country was founded by while, male racists and continues to be a horrible, oppressive nation.

Oh, and by the way, one in five of you women will be raped or sexually assaulted. But since it’s misogynistic to advise you not to drink too much, instead – we’ll just mandate sexual assault training that shows you a bunch of stats, require you to get some sort of vague “affirmative consent” to have sex with your one-night stand, and kick any man out of college accused of rape, regardless of what the evidence indicates.

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