The College Fix

You’re a college student. You have no useful skills to anyone over 30, except maybe helping them change their ringtone. And you have an old-man boss at your summer job or internship.

How do you curry favor with this surly septuaginarian?

Start reading Charles Murray’s slim new book on escaping your 20s with your income intact, The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Getting Ahead: Dos and Don’ts of Right Behavior, Tough Thinking, Clear Writing, and Living a Good Life.

It’s the book I wish I had in my 20s. (Check your school or city library before buying it – I checked out The Curmudgeon’s Guide from the Seattle Public Library on my Kindle.)

A fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, Murray is no stranger to controversy: He co-authored The Bell Curve and more recently Coming Apart: The State of White America, 1960-2010.

But he’s speaking from decades of experience working for curmudgeons and then becoming one. In fact, he says this book grew out of his ranting on the American Enterprise Institute’s intranet about “proper behavior in the workplace”:

This was my chance to vent beyond the confines of the dinner table, but to such a small audience that I could give my unvarnished views without getting into trouble. …

You are in or near your twenties. You are intelligent. … Many of you attended a well-known college or university; some of you attended an elite one. You are ambitious – you daydream about becoming a CEO, a high-powered lawyer, head of the World Bank, Pulitzer Prize winner, or president of the United States.

Some bits of advice:

Don’t suck up. “I cannot think of any [highly successful people] who got to their prominent positions by faking it … Express yourself forthrightly, and the odds are that you’ll get points for it.”

Don’t use first names with people considerably older than you. “Often the invitation will be offered the first time you meet that highly successful person – ‘Call me Bill,’ says Mr. Smith. … Another possibility is that Bill doesn’t want to appear old and grumpy. In that case, suppose you thank him without using ‘Bill’ and subsequently, unobtrusively, continue to refer to him as Mr. Smith … If Bill is a closeted curmudgeon, his opinion of you will rise.”

Drop emotion-laded words and jargon. That means “tell,” don’t “share,” unless it’s something painfully intimate (like you have Tourette’s); don’t “be there” for someone (“If you are serious, be more specific, as in, ‘Who do you want me to kill?'”); and avoid “impact” and “interface” as verbs (“a strikingly cold substitution for interact when human beings are involved”). Also, “data” is pronounced “DAY-tuh,” and it’s plural, so use it correctly!

Save your cursing for when you really need it. “One of the glories of the English language is that it has vocabulary that can be called upon for all those situations. The younger generation has frittered away that patrimony. … Abstaining from casual obscenity lets you be precise about distinguishing among the times when you are mildly critical, seriously displeased, and outright angry, without appearing out of control or flummoxed.”

Bosses will judge your appearance regardless of dress code. “Until you are sure you understand what the expectations are, follow the lead of senior people of your gender regarding dress, and supplement those choices with good grooming… what passes for good grooming and fashion among people in their twenties can still make you look like a slob to people in their fifties.”

There’s also great advice for dealing with sexual harassment or racism in the office. Oh, and stop complaining about the job market:

When the curmudgeons in your life were twenty-two, most of them found that getting started in the job market was characterized by low pay, boring entry-level work, little job security, and promotions that had to be hard-earned. They don’t see why you should feel like you are being subjected to some unprecedentedly harsh entry-level environment.

And those are just among his first 10 nuggets of wisdom.

For more of Murray’s thoughts on weighty matters, including marriage, fame and religion, read his March essay in The Wall Street Journal adapted from The Curmudgeon’s Guide.

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