The College Fix

Susan A. Patton, mother of two Princeton students and herself a Princeton grad, stirred up a hornet’s nest worth of controversy by advising Princeton women to find a husband while in college.

She wrote a letter in the student newspaper The Princetonian–advising girls to aim for an MRS, while earning their BA’s.

“For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you…

“Here’s what nobody is telling you: Find a husband on campus before you graduate. Yes, I went there.”

Basically, Patton’s argument boiled down to this: Men commonly “marry down” in educational status, so highly educated women risk pricing themselves out of the marriage market, in a sense.

Many men are too insecure or are otherwise uncomfortable with a woman who is more highly educated. Better to figure out that fact now, while you’re surrounded by young men of equal educational status, than later when such men are scarce–so went Patton’s reasoning.

Also, embedded in her argument, is the idea that happiness consists of more than professional achievement–finding a good mate is also important. For most Americans, that would be a statement so obvious that it doesn’t need to be uttered. But, believe me, the idea that marriage and family are things worthy of pursuit in one’s twenties is highly discredited in Ivy League circles these days.

Speaking from experience, I got married at age 22, and I was looked upon as an object of carnival sideshow-like curiosity. (Ladies and gentlemen, step right up! We’ve got a bearded lady, a piano-playing duck, and a married Yale student right here!!!) For the Ivy League set, getting married in one’s early twenties is now seen as weird or even abnormal–(like marrying a first cousin in the backwoods of Kentucky weird).

You won’t be surprised to learn that some folks were NOT HAPPY with Patton’s advice. Jezebel.com writer Katie Baker called Patton’s advice “insanity,” for instance–and that was one of the nicer things she said.

What Patton probably didn’t realize when she wrote her letter is how much attitudes toward marriage have changed since she went to college in the seventies. Then, people actually expected to get married in their early to mid twenties. Now–not so much.

The standard script now is: College 18-22, work/internships 23-24, grad school 25-28, getting established and “Leaning In” to one’s career 29–33, maybe start looking for someone marriageable but don’t do it yet! Get married 34-35. Try to conceive a child 36-38. Resort to in-vitro fertilization once you realize your primary fertile years are behind you 39-42.

Suggesting that such a life plan is not ideal for everyone is likely to get you called “patriarchal” and/or “oppressive.” There’s no room for compromise. No room for individual preferences.

Feminists have drilled the message into elite girls’ heads that they must avoid love and serious relationships and marriage for as long as possible–lest such things interfere with career plans.

And many men, or “dudes” as one might more accurately describe many of them–are happy to go along with this culture of non-committal sex and casual “friends with benefits” relationships throughout their twenties. Moral questions aside, it works out perfectly for them. They know it will be easy to marry a younger woman whenever they decide to settle down.

For women, marrying younger is much less common–so the life plan that entails delaying and delaying and delaying love, marriage and commitment doesn’t work nearly so well for them due to simple biology and due to men’s much greater willingness, on average, to “marry down” whether in age or educational status. I’m not saying that’s fair; I’m just saying that’s fact.

In feminist circles, suggesting that women can’t always “have it all” is an unforgivable offense. For Princeton mom Patton, even raising the idea of marriage to a group of 18-22 year old female Ivy League students was bound to make her the target of some serious rage.

She explained later that her message wasn’t intended to be anti-feminist, but rather was meant to provide practical advice:

“”I’m astounded by the extreme reaction. Honestly, I just thought this was some good advice from a Jewish mother,” she laughed.

“…I’m just saying, if as a young [Princeton] woman, you are thinking that you would like to have not just professional success but personal success as part of your life happiness, keep an open mind to the men that you’re surrounded with now.

“My intent was to provide very basic, very simple, honest advice to young women on campus. They are bombarded with messages of having it all, and leaning in, and professional achievement. But there’s a whole other measure of happiness and success that isn’t being addressed.”

Unfortunately, the career plans and marriage plans of elite women have certain political implications in our culture. Those political ends have nothing whatsoever to do with young women’s happiness. Fact is, many radical feminists actually view marriage as synonymous with female subservience.

Haven’t you heard, Mrs. Patton? There’s a gender-war a ragin’.

Nathan Harden is editor of The College Fix.

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(Image by Jay Morrison/Flickr)