The Oregon Commentator staff has a few tricks for avoiding the people with clipboards on election day:
- Just say no, with a firm palm to the face. It helps to remind them that NO means NO.
- Wear a Bush/Cheney shirt. Works just like RAID.
- Tell them you’re a convicted felon, and that they have very pretty fingers.
- Explain that in your native country of Slagandia, there is no democracy. Invite them to visit so they can immerse themselves in your culture.
- Maintain three meters between you and them. If they get closer threaten to call the police. Take out restraining orders.
- Engage the canvasser, then turn the conversation to your personal life story. They are spineless and desperate for signatures, so you can easily get to sixth or seventh grade before they get away.
- Ride a bike. Nothing helps to escape the hordes faster.
- Start hitting on them. Tell guys you love how assertive they are. Tell girls you like what they did with their hair. Bonus points for getting a number without giving a signature.
- Wear headphones.
- Hide your own clip board. When approached, whip it out and ask them to give you their contact info. Submit all emails acquired in this way to dick-pill mailing lists.
- Tell them that you hate children, the environment, or health care. Even if they’re canvassing for the rights of impoverished puppies, hate it.
- Throw lit cigarettes.
The Oregon Commentator is an independent journal of opinion at the University of Oregon.
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