The College Fix

Editor’s Note: This report contains graphic and explicit material pulled directly from college newspapers. Please be advised.

Regular sex columns abound in college student newspapers across the country, where topics one might expect to read about in Penthouse or Hustler can instead be found at a campus publication near you.

Perhaps one of the best examples of the tales of the exotic weaved for college students’ reading pleasure is Swarthmore College Daily Gazette’s “Bound and Shagged” column, in which “The Knotty Girl” dishes on her sexcapades.

In her Sept. 6 column “A First Taste,” she explains she’s not the average sex columnist.

“You’ve all seen sex columns, and so you’re sure I’ll just be another run-of-the-mill person talking about different positions or how to deep-throat. But you are wrong. … I’m here to push the boundaries of ‘normal’ sexual behavior and explore different, darker territories.”

She then offers a mini-lesson on sensory depravation techniques. Blindfolds, earplugs, stuff like that.

“It’s a nice first step into the world of kinky sex,” Knotty Girl explains.

Her Sept. 27 column, “In a Bind,” offers some advice on what to do with a rope:

“There are a few positions that are fun to try – I mentioned the frogtie before. In this position, the bound’s ankles are tied to their thighs. This leaves the bound with little-to-no ability to obscure their ‘secret garden.’”

Then she takes it to the next level, of course:

“The lotus tie is very popular,” she writes. “In this tie, the lower legs are placed together pointing in opposite directions so that each foot is near the knee of the other leg. The legs are held in a triangle with the knees wide apart, permitting easy access. Frequently, the elbows are also tied together behind the back in this position, forcing the body into an arch and forcing the chest out. This is a great position in which to administer punishment, as there is no way to cover the body from the blow of a whip or a paddle or a flogger.”

Interesting news to read over a bowl of Cheerios.

Additional “Bound and Shagged” headlines published this semester include: “A Sex Store Adventure”; “Degradation, Depravation and Humiliation”; “Sadomasochism”; and “Discipline.”

Her most recent column, “On The Other Side of the Store” published Dec. 2, talked about her adventures in – where else? – a sex store.

“Slappers (are) my favorite type of impact toy … They leave a nice rounded welt and, because they’re loops, cut through the air more quietly, making them a great choice for a dorm room.”

Who knew the quietest BDSM tool for dorm rooms? Thanks, Knotty Girl!

She goes on to note “paddles, which come in all sorts of sizes and embellishments, are a classic. They can be used to create anywhere between mild and intense pain, but, because of their surface area, won’t break skin. Paddles also sometimes have cutouts in them to leave shaped marks on the skin. I recently received one with PRINCESS cut out of it so that whenever it’s used, the word is temporarily branded onto my skin.”

Good to know. Good to know.

On the other side of the country, Sacramento State University student newspaper readers are entertained by the aptly titled “Oral Sex” column, featured in The Daily Hornet.

With fantastic headlines published over the last year such as “Monogamy Not a Real Expectation for Everyone,” “Booty Calls Better Than a Night Alone,” “Spit, Swallow or Wear It?” and “The Walk of Shame is Outdated, Time for Ladies to Strut Their Stuff with Post-Sex Swag,” the women at that college sure have a great role model to emulate.

For inquiring minds that want to know, by the way, either spit, swallow or wear it will do – as long as two consenting adults talk about how it’s going to go down beforehand.

Because, as the columnist so gracefully put it, “despite what the blonde on the last porno you watched said, your girlfriend won’t be ecstatic about washing a surprise spunk-shake out of her hair.”

OK, moving on.

UC Berkeley’s most recent “Sex on Tuesday” column talked about sex on campus. Literally.

“Yes — having sex on campus is actually very doable, and it’s lots of fun. It’s also surprisingly easy,” the UC Berkeley columnist writes.

The down side? “Concerns about not getting to ‘finish’ when doing it in a public place.”

“Maybe I’m just not ambitious enough to have goal-oriented sex, but sex isn’t always about cumming and having orgasms,” she writes. “Sometimes it’s for shits and giggles. Having expectations and goals can ruin the fun of it. Besides, it’s probably not a good idea to ejaculate in public places — just saying. Keep this in mind should you ever attempt sex on campus.”

This columnist did just that, in fact, then detailed her adventures.

“The trick to doing it in Stacks,” she advises, “is to go at a time when there won’t be a lot of people studying at the same time and to pick a section of books that people won’t ever think to look up. … We decided that, out of the millions of books in the library, the shelves full of books on religion seemed like the best place to fuck.”

Nice touch.

She continues to dole out more advice:

“For a place to have loud ass-slapping sex, the classrooms in the dungeons of Moffitt served us well after Main Stacks because the ground floor of Moffitt was completely deserted,” she noted.

For a finale, she encourged others to do the same:

“Learn to appreciate your sexy side and experience a few frisky things during your time here. Take the Female Sexuality DeCal, have sex in Morrison, do the naked run and talk to people who are willing to share their personal experiences. The wide acceptance and freedom of open sexual expression are among the greatest legacies we have the opportunity to uphold at this university.”

Yeah, that about sums up Berkeley’s greatest legacy. No argument here.

Other “Sex on Tuesday” subjects tackled this semester include: “50 Shades of Rough Sex,” “The Best of Both Worlds (bisexuality)”; and “Dirty Habits Die Hard.”

That last one praised the pleasures of porn.

“Whenever I have convenient breaks in my schedule, I’ll come home after class, eat a snack, watch some porn, rub one out and go back to campus,” the female columnist dishes. “During breaks, when I spend weeks back home in Southern California with nothing to do, I’ll hole up in my room and watch videos up to five, six, seven times a day. … Porn can be used in constructive and beneficial ways to enhance your sexuality and lifestyle overall.”

Brown University’s The Brown Daily Herald relegates its sex column to its blog. Called “Sextion” and penned by the pseudonym “Monica Bruinsky,” pressing topics delved into this year include pearl handcuffs, chocolate body paint, condoms, dental dams, hickey removals – you get the picture.

“We Brunonians clearly love sex – and that’s great!” writes Monica. “But I fear with (SexPowerGod naked party) and Consent Day behind us, Brown students will not have another opportunity to be handed a free condom until Sex Week in the Spring. And that’s SCARY.”

Scary, indeed.

But alas, just when it appeared all hope was lost, over at Princeton University, The Daily Princetonian’s “Love and Lust in the Bubble” regular sex column frequently touches on the pitfalls, loneliness and emptiness of the college “hook-up culture.”

The silver lining on an otherwise sullied topic.

IMAGE: 2 Star Town/Flickr

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