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Feds to stop kids from drinking Four Loko by making it even cooler

This just in:The hangover Schumer deserves.

Sen. Chuck Schumer said Tuesday that federal regulators are expected to move to ban caffeinated alcoholic drinks, like Joose and the notorious Four Loko, as soon as this week.

Schumer has lobbied the Obama administration to ban the alcoholic energy drinks in recent months. The Associated Press has reported that Schumer said that the Food and Drug Administrators is expected to find caffeine an unsafe additive to alcoholic drinks, which would effectively ban the energy drinks.

Not only is the Four Loko panic totally overblown, but it’s actually going to cause more college kids to drink alcoholic energy beverages.

They want to push boundaries and experiment with risky substances that adults don’t approve of. Four Loko’s makers might as well start advertising it as: “The drink that’s too intense for Michigan, Oklahoma, New York, and Utah! Your parents don’t want you to drink it. The federal government doesn’t want you to drink it. Can you handle blackout in a can?”

Of course, they won’t be advertising anything if these products become banned in the U.S., which now seems likely.

The next question is: are college kids resourceful enough to combine caffeine and alcohol on their own? Maybe some ambitious chemistry majors will crack the secret formula.

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