The College Fix

Universities have long made it a habit to conduct studies and quantitative research that border on the ridiculous, clearly biased or incredibly pointless. Recent examples plucked from the headlines indicate the trend continues.

Often these studies are funded by the feds in what amounts to a codependent relationship between government bureaucrats and left-leaning scholars – at the expense of the taxpayers.

Take the U.S. Department of Agriculture, which awarded the University of Wisconsin and Oklahoma University a whopping $19.5 million in early June to find streamlined ways to reduce the carbon footprint from beef and dairy production.

While cow flatulence – or methane gas from livestock – has long been accused as partly causing global warming, more recent studies have found bovine bowel movements and the like do not harm the environment. The cow study is also based on the notion global warming is settled science. The reality is its one of the most disputed topics in the nation, but bureaucrats don’t bat an eyelash on spending $19.5 million in taxpayer dollars on solving for an imaginary problem.

Speaking of cow manure, a study done by Emory University anthropologists and published in the journal Proceedings of the National Sciences found that men with large testicles are less likely to be caring fathers. Allegedly it has something to do with testosterone levels, although there are probably a lot of very loving big-balled fathers out there who would disagree with the findings.

In the end, the study was pointless anyway:

“Scientists aren’t sure whether men who make more sperm are genetically wired to be detached dads, or whether early life experience or the act of caring for children leads men’s bodies to invest less in sperm-making, thereby causing their testicles to shrink,” Sarah Hrdy, an anthropologist at Citrona Farms who was not involved in the study, told The Huffington Post.

Moving on to more pointless studies, one done at Connecticut College found that Oreos are just as addictive as cocaine.

Researchers found that after rats ate the delectable cookies, the neuron receptors in the rats were stimulated more than when rats are baked on addictive drugs. So, the research findings suggest, maybe Oreos are the new drug of the 21st century.

But as the College Fix put it earlier this month: “You’ve never heard of anyone going into prostitution because of Oreo addiction have you? You’ve heard of a crack house, but have you ever heard of an Oreo house?”

Exactly.

Here’s more examples:

Georgetown University has launched a probe into “Tanorexia,” a.k.a. an addiction to tanning beds. Oreos, anyone?

Researchers at the University of Maryland turned a meat-eating fish into a vegetarian. Where’s PETA when you need them?

The Department of Energy, coming off the Solyndra and SunPower debacles, gave a nearly $1 million grant to Princeton University to try and develop a longer-lasting electric car battery. Nevermind investing in a strategy that can actually get the country off foreign oil: hydraulic fracking, anyone?

Fix contributor Christopher White is a University of Missouri graduate student and an editorial assistant for The College Fix.

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