The College Fix

The College Fix has covered some rather … colorful people (no racial connotation!) over the past year, and based on some of their more controversial statements and actions, here are what could (or should) be appropriate resolutions our next revolution around the sun:

“Mattress Girl” Emma Sulkowicz: To become a spokeswoman for Serta.

Melissa Click, the communications professor at the University of Missouri (who lost her courtesy at the college’s journalism school) who needed “some muscle” to remove a student reporter from a protest: To carry around a copy of the First Amendment at all times and to read it at least once per day.

Northwestern’s Laurie Zoloth who says that ignoring climate change is “sinful”: To have a pocket notebook handy to keep track of how many climate apocalypse scenarios have come … and gone.

Vassar’s Tim Koechlin who said to Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker “F*** you”: To count the number of times the F-word is uttered in Scarface.

Jou tell dah Scoh Wahl-kair dah ah seh “fogg jou,” o-kah-ee?

Shimer College’s Adam Kotsko, the professor who said whites should commit mass suicide for the crime of slavery: To avoid a sabbatical in Guyana.

Rutgers’ Kevin Allred, the guy who claimed there are “no good white white people, just less bad white people,” and developed a course about Beyoncé: To re-calibrate the “bad” scale, and to create a race studies course based on Vanilla Ice.

Supposed African-American Rachel Dolezal: To use a lower number sunscreen to help maintain her “identity.”

Yale professor/master Nicholas Christakis, who ended up saying he was sorry about his wife’s comments about Halloween costumes: To keep a fresh batch of apology forms at the ready.

You got any apology forms in there??
(From the classic episode “The Incubator” — RIP Wayne Rogers.)

Thin-skinned Adam J. Rodriguez, who claims a belief in a band’s musical superiority is a microaggression: To become a contributor to the next Rolling Stone Album Guide.

Speaking of microaggressions, Harvard Law School Dean Martha Minow, who claims (racial) microaggressions are akin to … beating somebody up and sexual assault: To buy the board game Clue.

The University of Central Florida’s Terri Fine, who suggested people say “Happy Federal Holiday” instead of “Merry Christmas,” etc. : To watch the film Equilibrium.

Creighton University’s Fidel Fajardo-Acosta, who included an exam question about Donald Trump being the Anti-Christ: To get a walk-on part in the next Omen sequel.

Susquehanna University chief L. Jay Lemons, who held meetings about changing his school’s nickname and mascot, and argued that his final decision was not preconceived: To uncross his fingers.

University of Louisville President James Ramsey, who caught flak for donning a sombrero around Halloween: To point out the superiority of corn tortillas over flour.

And lastly, Rutgers’ Brittney Cooper, who said that Christ was “potentially queer” or “married to a prostitute”: To team with Martin Scorcese to film The Real Last Temptation of Christ (The Gay Cut).

Happy New Year!

Editor’s note: This post was updated to note that Mizzou’s Melissa Click lost her “courtesy” position at the college’s journalism school. She remains an assistant professor in the Communication Department.

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