The Chronicle of Higher Education published recently what it deemed the “13 Best ‘Onion’ Stories About Higher Education.”
“The Onion, like many national media outlets, has beefed up its higher-education coverage in recent years. In past decades the satirical news website’s coverage leaned on jokes about hard-partying frat bros and absent-minded professors. But in recent years its writers have applied their wit to contemporary campus issues like sexual assault, adjunct labor, and free community college,” the Chronicle reported. “The best satire, of course, contains a kernel of truth. With that in mind, and in no particular order, here are the 13 best Onion stories about higher education.”
It goes on to list its favorite Onion headlines, which included: “Fraternity Members to Undergo Racial Sensitivity Hazing,” “Minority Student’s Perspective Better Be Pretty Goddamn Diverse if He Wants Full Scholarship,” “Adjunct Professor Hoping Some Student Leaves Behind Warm Pair of Gloves Today,” “Online University Cracks Down on Rowdy Online Fraternity” and “Professor Sees Parallels Between Things, Other Things.”
It was a decent list, a few good chuckles.
But I could not help but be struck with how reality has so far surpassed parody when it comes to higher education. The very real state of higher ed is now often a punchline, and one need not even make things up about it to get a laugh.
Here at The College Fix we have a rule not to tweet or share on Facebook stories from The Onion or similar parody news sites because the very real news we put out on a daily basis is often so outrageous, so ludicrous, we don’t need any confusion on the part of our readers.
With that in mind, and in no particular order, here are the 16 best College Fix stories that illustrate how real life trumps parody when it comes to reporting on higher education:
1. Sex partner must say ‘yes’ every 10 minutes or it’s rape, 10th graders taught in California
2. Princeton student say he’s victim of microaggression over way he says ‘Cool Whip’
3. Study urges people to accept those who ‘identify as real vampires’
4. Professor: Harry Potter Helped Obama Get Elected
5. All-You-Can-Eat Taco Bars Deemed Offensive, Face Campus Extinction
6. Harvard Students Celebrate ‘Incest-Fest’ (tied with: Harvard University workshop to teach students how to have anal sex)
7. Professors: Motorists more likely to run over black people than white people
8. Professor’s Book Hails ‘Apostle Barack,’ Compares Him to Jesus
9. University axes homecoming ‘king’ and ‘queen,’ replaces it with gender-neutral ‘royals’
10. Sexuality courses: Black dildos are proof of racism against African Americans
11. Using offensive words an ‘act of violence,’ majority of students surveyed say
12. Student: Prof Warns Ted Cruz-Teabaggers To Leave Class Or Go Home In Body Bag
13. Law Prof Who Specializes in Poverty Makes $205,400 – Teaching One Class Per Semester
14. College Exhibits Nude Photos of Female Students, for ‘Empowerment’
15. University of Chicago Students Plan Field Trips To Kinky Sex Dungeon
Now I ask, dear readers, why would we share Onion stories when we have very real insanity to report?
This is real life. Reality trumps parody. Life imitates art. The truth is often stranger than fiction.
The sad part is — the joke’s on us. Colleges are supposed to educate students and prepare them for real life, but instead often become the laughing stock of an entire nation.
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