The College Fix

This year has been a wild ride at The College Fix, and one need look no further than 13 of this year’s most outrageously dumb campus moments of 2013 to agree.

Let’s not take up too much space for the intro, because the following highlight reel speaks for itself. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you …

13. College Hosts Sex, Masturbation Tutorial – Inside A Church

In February, Allegheny College’s Ford Memorial Chapel was transformed into a boudoir of sorts, as professional sex educators advised students how best to touch themselves and their partners to reach orgasm. So yeah, on the very same altar where weekly Catholic mass and Holy Communion is offered, as well as non-denominational services, students were given pointers on how to wiggle their fingers just so and told if it feels good, do it.

12. Professors Repeatedly Bash Republicans

Where to begin, where to begin? The list is so long, you see.

There was the Ohio State professor who likened Republicans to apes and advised students that in order for females to achieve gender equality they need to start killing more people.

There was the Michigan State University professor who said Republicans are dying white people who raped America.

There was the professor at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse who told her students that Republicans and the Tea Party were to blame for the government shutdown.

There was the USC political science professor who called Republicans stupid and racist, and referred to them as losers and “old white guys.”

There was the Georgia Southwestern State University political science professor called Republican Sen. Ted Cruz a hypocrite and described him as a heartless politician who doesn’t care if children suffer.

There was the University of Arizona professor who said the only reason Republicans control the U.S. House of Representatives is because of gerrymandering.

And then there were the dozens – perhaps hundreds, probably thousands – of times this year that professors bashed Republicans inside their little kingdoms, er – classrooms – and it was never publicized.

At this point, most reasonable people agree Republican bashing is standard operating procedure at colleges, although it shouldn’t be. (Meanwhile, a Democrat professor says Obama deserves a third term).

11. Professor Gone Wild

So this happened in February: A science professor at Columbia University began a quantum mechanics lecture by stripping into his boxers and eating a banana while rap music played in the background.

Then it got weird.

The professor proceeded to redress himself in black, complete with sunglasses, and hug himself on stage at the front of the classroom, a large theater. As he sat in the fetal position, two “actors” dressed in ninja costumes walked onstage and placed white stuffed animals – lambs – on stools before the audience. The ninjas blindfolded the lambs, then a ninja impaled one of the stuffed animals with a long sword and banged it against the stool – right as an image of a plane hitting one of the Twin Towers on 9/11 started rolling on a large screen behind the performance. Need we say more?

10. Mexican mania

Did you know that if you drink tequila and eat tacos on Cindo de Mayo, you’re not getting into the festive spirit – you’re actually an ignorant racist who promulgates insulting stereotypes? That according to the brilliant student government leaders at Northwest University in Chicago. But wait, it gets worse. At Cornell University, wearing sombreros and eating nachos on the 5^th of any month could ding you as “culturally insensitive.”

9. Now here’s one way to blow a wad … of cash

The notoriously raunchy and popular homosexual sex advice columnist and pundit Dan Savage visited the University of Oregon in mid-October and was paid $24,000 for his talk, which included discussions with students about the art of fisting and gorilla suit fetishes. This is also the same university that used taxpayer dollars to develop the “SexPositive App,” ostensibly designed as a sex health tool. It spins two wheels with words such as “mouth” “finger” and “penis” on one side and “toes” “vagina” vibrator” and “anal play” on the other. Match two words and have at it, basically.

Can’t the university just use Phil Knight’s money for this crap from now on?

8. Halloween Thought Police

In my book, the Washington University in St. Louis students who dressed up for Halloween as Seal Team 6 bagging Osama bin Laden were A-OK. But apparently, it hurt some Muslim students’ feelings. Then university officials apologized. Then there were the gratuitous and annoying campus discussions on tolerance. That’s just one example of how politically correct Halloween became on some college campuses this year. There is plenty more where that came from.

7. Revisionist History

One of the things liberal scholars can’t stand is that the president who freed the slaves – Abraham Lincoln – was a Republican. It just drives ‘em nuts. So what do they do? They resort to revisionist history, of course. A plaque located on a historic building that’s part of Northeastern Illinois University in Chicago states: “This building is dedicated to public service honoring the memory of Abraham Lincoln   Democrat.” Yep, they call Lincoln a Democrat. The fact that this is on a campus in Lincoln’s home state adds insult to injury.

6. The War on Jesus

A professor at California State University-Long Beach recently had his literature class read and discuss a book called “The Baby Jesus Butt Plug: A Fairy Tale” in which the baby Jesus “is a very popular anal probe.” Leftist professors love to trash the name and image of Jesus Christ, even if it is under the guise of reading a satirical “bizzaro” novel. There is a lot of talk on campuses across the nation about tolerance and acceptance, but none of these same people – students and professors alike – care about not offending Christians. Hypocrisy at its finest.

5. Porn 101

2013 is the year in which the world learned of the Pasadena City College class called “Navigating Pornography” – devoted to giving students a venue to study and discuss the touchy topic in an academic setting. It’s also the year in which we learned the guy who taught it was mentally unbalanced, and, oh yeah – had sex with students.

4. Mexican Mania, la segunda parte

At some campuses, you’re not allowed to call students in the country illegally “illegal immigrants” anymore. Remember folks, he who controls the language controls the debate. American taxpayers are already paying for illegal immigrants’ tuitions, so this was just a natural extension of that logic.

3. Sex, Vaginas, Butt Plugs and more

This year, the University of Pennsylvania became the latest Ivy League school to offer “Sex Week” to its students, and its inaugural foray boasted workshops with a porn peddler, exotica writer, vibrator aficionado, orgasm expert, and masturbation tutorial, among other events. Not to be outdone, butt plugs, vibrators and bondage gadgets were handed out in October at a student-fee funded University of New Hampshire workshop called Orchestrating Orgasms. Over at the University of Chicago, its Sex Week featured an oral sex seminar and a porn screening.

And even though this wasn’t a Sex Week event, the swath of billboard-sized photos of vaginas in various states – including shaved ones, others that are blemished, and still some with tampons inserted – displayed at the University of Cincinnati this spring was just wrong, on so many levels.

2. Mascot Mayhem

Nevermind the Washington Redskins, campus mascots are having problems of their own. This year, the University of Denver deemed its much-beloved pioneer mascot “Denver Boone” as too white-skinned and offensive to represent the school. And over at Cornell University, students freaked out because their Big Red Bear mascot isn’t homosexual.

1. Who cares about white people?

So, for those keeping score, it’s OK to ban white vaginas from “The Vagina Monologues” production at Columbia University, and it’s OK to “lynch” two white guys from a tree at Sacramento State University.

One can only imagine what 2014 will bring. Happy New Year, everyone.

Jennifer Kabbany is associate editor of The College Fix.

IMAGE: Alternative Design/Flickr

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